Anxiety.

It can be debilitating for adults and brutal to deal with on a daily basis.

But to watch your nine year old son overwhelmed and filled with anxiety is heartbreaking.

And the hardest part?

He’s not able to talk to me about it.

Children with limited verbal communication can’t express themselves well.

They have a hard time describing their wants and needs, or if they’re sick or hurt.

It can be extremely difficult for them and heart wrenching for us as their parents.

Anxiety can manifest in different ways and it destroys happiness and steals your joy.

And that’s exactly what it did to our sweet boy from Thanksgiving to Christmas.

Anxiety and obsessive thoughts over the one thing he asked Santa for.

A big T-Rex dinosaur.

Our sweet bubba’s love for dinosaurs runs deep.

He lives, breathes and sleeps dinosaurs.

He has the largest dinosaur collection you’ll ever see.

And probably the biggest Jurassic World fan in the world.

It’s amazing and beautiful to watch him with his dino collection, lining them up perfectly across our living room floor.

One of the cute quirks I love about him – Thank you autism.

But with that, comes a bit of an obsession.

His brain gets “stuck” on something and sometimes you can’t get him to think about anything else.

This was one of those times.

And I could do nothing to help him.

Thankfully playing in the snow, building gingerbread houses and playing with his brother helped distract a little.

But it was all the in between moments, eating, and trying to sleep that were impacted by his anxiety.

He barely slept the night before Christmas.

This photo was taken at bedtime on Christmas evening.

In this picture, I see my son finally relaxed.

Snuggled together, a boy and his dinosaur.

His anxiety has subsided and his brain can finally rest.

I’m grateful he is feeling better and was able to fall asleep.

And before I rest my head on the pillow tonight, I will pray this doesn’t happen again for a very long time.

It’s been a week.

A laser light show sitting in our car, dancing and singing along to Christmas carols.

A snowball fight in our front yard and sled riding down the hillside.

A movie on Netflix and popcorn in buckets while daddy adds logs to the fire.

A cup of hot cocoa with marshmallows while building gingerbread houses.

This is exactly what we needed.

Time together as a family.

Not thinking about the pandemic or school or when the next assignment is due.

No interruptions.

Just us.

Soaking in each other’s company and surrounding one another in laughter and hugs.

The pandemic has taken away so much throughout this year and I refuse to let it take away our Christmas spirit.

Yes, I’m sad we couldn’t be with extended family and enjoy the big gathering around the dinner table.

It definitely looks and feels different during this holiday season, but nothing can steal our spirit unless we allow it to.

And I’m not going to let that happen.

Focus on what we CAN do right?

We can FaceTime family and friends.

We can camp out on the floor by the twinkling tree with sleeping bags and pillows.

We can put on our favorite music and dance around the living room without a care in the world.

We can embrace the memories and remember not to take these moments for granted.

And we can hope that next year will look a little more traditional and a lot less virtual.

Until then, I’m staying present in the moment and thanking God for another day that our family is happy and healthy.

Friends, let’s be grateful for the small things and all of the little moments in life.

Because in the end, they end up being the big things that matter the most.

A beautiful and heartfelt letter.

Written to my son by a fellow classmate, a “secret elf.”

Dear Ethan,

You are a great friend. You fill the class with joy. You make our class better and better. I love that you like dinosaurs. You work so hard. Keep being you.

From: Your Secret Elf

When I read these words, I see kindness.

I see inclusion.

I see love.

And that last line, “keep being you.”

That my friends, is acceptance.

The true beautiful meaning of acceptance in its purest form.

Another child, the same age and grade as my son, loving and accepting him AS HE IS.

No judgment.

No negative words.

Pure admiration for a fellow classmate and friend.

I am in awe of the sweet words written on this piece of paper and they bring me to tears every time I read them.

The way our son’s face lit up as I read it to him will be etched in my memory forever.

To the parents and caregivers out there raising children with kindness in their hearts, THANK YOU.

Thank you for teaching your child about differences and that not all children look and act the same.

Thank you for teaching your child about disabilities and that not everyone learns the same way.

Thank you for teaching your child respect and to treat others how you’d want to be treated.

Thank you for instilling patience and empathy in your children at a young age so they grow up to be patient and empathetic adults.

Friends, this is how we continue to move forward.

To create a world that is more inclusive and accepting of individuals with disabilities.

There is always work to be done, but this gives me hope.

Hope that we’re making progress and moving in the right direction.

Hope that the advocating and using our voices is making a difference.

Hope that change is happening all around us one day at a time.

And I hope that one day, all of our loved ones are treated equally.

By everyone.

I need help.

As the words left my quivering lips, tears started rolling down my cheeks.

Three little words that are extremely difficult for me to say.

Sound familiar?

I get it mama.

We’re so overwhelmed by every day demands and living in quarantine hell, that we forget to make time for ourselves.

I’m not referring to self care that consists of watching a movie while sipping wine or taking a ten minute uninterrupted shower.

I’m talking about making time for our physical, emotional AND mental well being.

How often do we put ourselves on the back burner because there are other things to take care of or someone else needs us?

But if we don’t make time to rest and take care of ourselves, our bodies will start shutting down.

Burnout leads to exhaustion, insomnia, anxiety and depression.

It’s not pretty my friends.

And before you know it, you’ll find yourself in the hospital because you weren’t taking care of YOU.

The advice I can give you after experiencing all of this first hand…

ASK FOR HELP.

Whatever it is that YOU NEED, do it.

Maybe it’s taking an hour a week to talk to a therapist about your struggles and hardships.

Maybe it’s FaceTiming a friend because you know she’ll lift your spirits and make you laugh.

Maybe it’s finding a new routine to manage work, distance learning and motherhood.

Maybe it’s diving into a daily devotional or saying extra prayers at night.

Maybe it’s finally going to that appointment that you’ve been putting off for the past year.

Just promise me that you’ll start taking care of YOU – before it’s too late.

YOU deserve all the love and support that you give to others.

YOU matter.

YOU are valuable.

And YOU deserve to be your best self.

You can’t pour from an empty cup my friends.

So if you’re running on fumes or just surviving,

Please, ASK FOR HELP.

Things will start to feel less heavy and more manageable.

You’ll be able to breathe a little easier and tackle each day with less stress and anxiety.

Lean on family and close friends who are there for you.

You don’t have to walk this path alone.

I know it’s not easy and even a little uncomfortable.

But I promise, you won’t regret it.

Ask for help.

And take care of YOU.

Bent, not broken.

As I was speaking to my therapist during our virtual session today, he said those words and it instantly resonated with me.

I was sharing how lost and defeated I’ve been feeling lately.

Surrounded by obstacles that seem too heavy to carry and almost unbearable at times.

I’m exhausted and drained.

I feel weak.

Broken.

And that’s when he said it.

He reminded me how strong I truly am, even though I don’t see it.

He said, “You are not broken.”

He went on to talk about how we “bend” under different circumstances and the stress and pressure that each one brings.

How we carry immense weight and feel strong emotions over a long period of time.

How we’ve been faced with challenges and decisions that feel out of our control and scary.

It effects us both physically and mentally.

I said to him, “We’ve been battling one hell of a storm.”

And he quickly agreed.

As I sit here looking at this tree, weathered and worn, I’m reminded of our conversation this morning.

Like trees, we bend and sway with the changing weather.

Sometimes we’re standing tall and strong, ready to tackle whatever life throws our way.

And other times, we’re hurting and bending over just trying to survive another day.

We’re all battling different storms and it can be hard not to feel isolated and lonely, especially now.

Please remember to be kind to yourself.

A little grace can go a long way.

And if you’re feeling lost and worn down from life right now, remember this.

You may be tired.

You may be bent.

But you are NOT broken.

Keep weathering the storm my friends.

And stand strong.

This too shall pass.

“I’m sitting on my porch with my phone in my hand, waiting to hear back from you.”

“I’ll drive to your house right now if you need me.”

“I AM HERE FOR YOU.”

As I read her texts through tear filled eyes, I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmingly grateful to have such an amazing friend in my life.

A friend who checks in when I’m quiet.

A friend who can sense when something is wrong and won’t hesitate to reach out.

A friend who doesn’t get upset if I don’t respond to her phone call or text until 3 days later.

A friend who will give me space when I ask for it and will be the first one by my side when I need a shoulder to cry on.

A friend who says “I’M HERE.”

Two words.

So simply stated, yet incredibly powerful.

Friends will come and go throughout our entire lives, but the ones who are meant to be will stay.

I’ve learned over the years that’s it’s not about the number of friends we have, but it’s the genuine friendships that truly matter.

Quality over quantity.

ALWAYS.

We don’t necessarily need an army or a tribe.

Yes, they are amazing!

But more than anything, we need women supporting women.

Through the good.

The bad.

And the ugly.

Hang on to the friends who celebrate with you on your brightest days and will also sit in the trenches with you on the most difficult nights.

Hang on to the friends who say “I’m here for you.”

Hang on to the friends who show up at your house when you’re heart is falling apart and you need help putting the pieces back together.

Hang on to the friends who check in on you.

The ones who make time to send a text or call, just to make sure you’re ok.

Hang on to the friends who won’t judge and will lend a listening ear without saying a word.

These friends are incredibly special and I hold each one very close to my heart.

I hope that we can all be that special friend to others in our lives.

To help fill their cup when they’re running on empty.

And I pray that every person reading this is blessed with at least one special friend.

A friend who is there through it all, and to remind us that we are never alone.

“Are you ok mommy?”

As my son whispered those words looking at me with those big blue eyes, I could feel my heart skip a beat and tears filled my eyes.

I’ve been really good at hiding my anxiety and putting on a happy face, even when I’m falling apart on the inside.

And this is typically where I say “yes, I’m ok buddy” and give him a big bear hug and a kiss on his forehead.

But today was different.

I felt an overwhelming tug on my heart to be real and raw in this moment with him. I placed his soft little hands in mine and said “Mommy is having a tough day.”

He immediately wrapped his arms around me and squeezed his body into mine. “I’m sorry mommy, I feel bad for you.”

My son is one of the most empathetic and kind hearted little boys you will ever meet. I believe having a brother with autism has helped shape him into the caring, selfless and genuine person he is.

I explained to him that he did not have to feel bad for me and that we all experience hard days sometimes.

That we all have moments where we feel like we can’t do anything right and we’re overwhelmed with worry and stress.

Moments where we just want to be left alone to crawl under a blanket and block out the world for a little while.

Moments where we feel like giving up.

As we sat at the dining room table sharing our feelings and emotions, there was a weight that lifted from my shoulders.

I took a few minutes to pause and sit in this vulnerable space with my son.

Just the two of us, holding hands and talking.

As we finished our conversation, we were both smiling ear to ear and we leaned in for another much needed hug.

I held him tight and reminded him that not every day is going to be this hard.

That we’re going to continue to work through the difficult days and remember to give each other grace when we need it.

When things in life get hard and we’re on the verge of giving up, we will come back to this moment.

We will enjoy each other’s company and talk openly and honestly about our anxiety and how it makes us feel.

We will hold each other’s hands and ask God to give us peace in our hearts as we continue to navigate these trying times.

And I promise, that we will get through every tough day and obstacle that comes before us.

TOGETHER.

You’re a good mom.

If you send your child to school for in person instruction and practice social distancing.

You’re a good mom.

If you’re doing a hybrid option with a few days of online learning and a couple days at school.

You’re a good mom.

If your dining room now looks like a classroom and you’re planning to homeschool or do all virtual learning.

You’re a good mom.

If you’re second guessing yourself and questioning if you made the right decision.

You’re a good mom.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed with emotions and your stress level keeps rising when you think about school.

You’re a good mom.

Friends, I’m right there with you.

I’m worried.

I’m anxious.

And as much as I try to have it all together, I assure you I don’t.

Just like you, I’m learning as I go.

I’m exhausted from making difficult decisions and pray the ones we make are the best for our family.

IT IS HARD.

There’s no sugar coating the reality that so many families are facing right now.

I pray that we continue to hold onto hope as we navigate through these troubling times.

You are not alone mama.

It’s OK to be emotional and feel uncertain.

You’re feelings are valid.

I’d like you to take a look in the mirror tonight when you have a moment to yourself.

Close your eyes and take a long deep breath in.

Then exhale out all of that worry, self doubt and fear that’s consuming your thoughts.

Now slowly open your eyes.

See that beautiful woman staring back at you?

Smile at her.

Love her.

And give her grace.

Remind her that she is strong and she’s going to get through this.

Because YOU are a good mom.

We survived.

We made it through our first week of virtual learning for this school year.

Three children varying in ages, academic levels and different needs and this mama is TIRED.

We started the week with smiles but that quickly changed with each passing hour.

The demands, different schedules, synchronized learning and asynchronous learning, the therapies, the work.

SO. MUCH. WORK.

Friends, I knew this was going to be difficult.

Let’s face it, we’ve been here before.

Even though we were required to do virtual learning at the beginning of the pandemic, something is different this time.

Maybe it’s because this feels so monotonous and never ending.

Maybe it’s the fact that we imagined things would “be better” and yet we still feel so isolated.

I’ve been trying to pinpoint it all night and I can’t seem to figure out.

I started doubting MYSELF and my ability to do this.

To be ALL the people and ALL the things my children need me to be.

The teacher.
The therapist.
The mom.
The caregiver.

The one to answer all the questions and the one who wipes the tears streaming down the frustrated rosy cheeks.

As I reflect on this week, I feel myself buried in negative self talk and overwhelming guilt.

My emotions are running full speed ahead and I can’t seem to catch my breath.

I could have done this better.
I should have done that a different way.

The thoughts continue and I quickly find myself spiraling down that anxiety driven path.

Friends, virtual learning with multiple children is HARD.

And I’m feeling the weight of it all at once.

Mama- If you’re wondering how you’re going to get through this, you’re not alone.

If you’re exhausted and sitting on your couch this evening sipping on a well deserved glass of wine, me too.

If you’re grasping onto that tiny little thread of hope and hanging on for dear life, me too.

We have a few days ahead of us to recharge our batteries and start fresh next week.

Let’s promise to take a few moments to find those little pockets of peace that calm our hearts and minds.

Let’s seek out the little things that fill our cup and embrace each moment with gratitude.

Here’s to us friends- Cheers to one week down and many more to go!

We did it.

We made our decision for the upcoming school year and this shirt perfectly describes how I’m feeling about it.

It’s fine.

I’m fine.

Everything. Is. Fine.

Honestly friends, I don’t know that it is.

I am a nervous wreck and my stomach is twisted in knots.

NOTHING feels right.

There are still so many unknowns and unanswered questions, but we made the best decision for OUR family with the choices we were given.

I can’t promise my kids that everything is going to be fine.

But I CAN promise them that I will do everything in my power to help support them through another unconventional school year.

I will show up and do my best even when it’s hard.

I will be mindful of their feelings and emotions because I understand that this is tough on them too.

I will encourage open conversations and mental health check-ins to decrease stress and anxiety.

I will answer the difficult questions and be the shoulder to cry on when it gets to be too much.

I will take school work outside when we can and enjoy the fresh air as we navigate through assignments.

I will give myself grace when I make mistakes and pray that my children see that I’m doing the best I can.

I am not a teacher.

I am not a paraprofessional.

I am not a therapist.

But, I AM their mom.

And I’ve learned a lot in my seventeen years of motherhood.

We are constantly learning and evolving as mothers.

We adjust and make changes as different situations arise.

We make sacrifices for our children without thinking twice.

We do what we can with what we have.

We are strong.

We are capable.

And we make it work.

ALWAYS.

To every parent out there still facing the challenges of choosing what’s best for your children, you’ve got this.

No matter what choice you make, it’s not going to be perfect.

There’s still going to be frustrations and bumps in the road.

There will be self doubt and worry if you made the right decision.

Remember, YOU know your kids best and what they need to succeed.

They will learn and adjust to new schedules and a new routine.

TOGETHER, we will learn and adapt to what’s yet to come.

There is HOPE my friends.

But it will take time.

Trust your gut.

Listen to your heart.

And the rest will follow.